Last month's ADHD diagnosis didn't surprise me. It was a validation and a confirmation of what I already knew to be true. Over the years I've created a lot of coping and compensating mechanisms. One of them is writing by hand, for which I have an iron discipline. In fact I started my 31st notebook since February 2018 just this month. Sometimes I struggle to get anything done at all, but my writing is a must. It's part of the daily routine I created for myself when my mother fell ill. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so anxious about the possiblilty of losing her that I decided to put my thoughts to paper. My paper was to be the silent witness of what was truly going on. No judgement. Just the freedom to feel authentic feelings. God knows I cried a lot. Thankfully my mother recovered, but I didn't stop writing. It had become such an essential part of my day that I couldn't imagine my life without it.
Writing allows me to feel deeply and to validate my feelings. Sometimes there's a lot of 'nonsense' going on in my head. When that happens, I write it down in an attempt to make sense of it. I cannot go to bed without my daily handwritten notes. They're just as much a part of me as my feelings. When my thoughts get dark and unpleasant, I remember that they are not me, they're mine. One of my favourite authors (Amélie Nothomb) repeated some words her mother told her: "'Tu n'as pas le droit." You don't have the right. or You are not allowed. That made me think: Don't do anything stupid. You are stronger than those deep & dark feelings and life is worth living. I wake up feeling grateful for every day even if it means I have to let the dark thoughts and feelings be. Just being with them is enough. I am always enough. And so are you.
Check out Amélie's newest book - Tant mieux (in French) published by Albin Michel in 2025.
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