In the months since my last post, I've come to realise that I was going through a manic episode. How do I recognise manic activities? I go to sleep extremely late (sometimes even 03.00 A.M.), I spend a lot of money on several things, I have a lot of energy, talk a lot and I hurt myself in different ways.
In May I saw my psychiatrist, but I didn't realise I was going through a manic episode at the time. When I went back in August, I had realised it, because I couldn't take any money out, nor could I pay for an invoice. I thank God that I have my parents who could step in to help me. My finances are healthy now. It's up to me, and me only, to keep them that way. With help from my mother I've devised a new strategy to keep my finances healthy and so far that has been working. I realised I needed a more visual way of managing my finances. This means I limit the payments I make by card or online to an absolute minimum.
When I couldn't pay the invoice straight away, I crashed. To a friend who also lives with bipolar and to my psychiatrist, I made this analogy of what that feels like: when a manic episode ends, I fall off a high mountain without protection, so it hurts. In my case, there was also shame: why was I - a grown woman - not able to keep up with my finances? Looking back, I was trying to get back out of the financial trouble on my own by selling things I didn't use anymore. But instead of putting the money I earned back into my account, I used it for groceries.
My sister was my saviour when it comes to the shame I felt; this is not an excuse, but an explanation:
"Logic has no use when the manic is behind the wheel. [...] It's not your fault."
And:
"Bipolarity is not something one can overcome through sheer force of will alone, otherwise you wouldn't be dealing with it at all. You are one of the top people I know with the biggest amount of willpower. You got through so many things in life just because you really wanted to. That should tell you enough about how it can't be fixed with willpower. [...]"
She's right. If only I could fix this disorder with my willpower. My life would be a lot easier, trust me. But I do have the willpower to live. I want to show people that living with bipolar is possible. Sometimes you need a little extra help from medical professionals, family and/or friends. I consider myself very lucky to have supportive friends and family and a wonderful medical team.
Following this manic episode, it was decided my medicine would be changed. The annoying and difficult thing with changes in mental health medicine is that one will first sense that a medicine dose has been reduced or taken away before any newly introduced medicine starts to work. I changed on August 13th and have been feeling very grumpy and I haven't been sleeping well. But I'll keep going. I always know better days are coming.
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